Coming Out Story

Here is an interesting coming out story...

I have a dear friend who I will call Peter (for simplicity's sake), he's gay but unfortunately he is or I suppose, was; deep, deep in the closet. He comes from a strict Italian Catholic family, he'd never felt he could be open to his family and sadly he wasn't comfortable telling most of his friends either. He used to tell me of all the horrors that would befall him if his family ever found out.

Earlier this year his friends and family had become very suspicious of his sexuality. At first he started trying to hit on me, flirt with me and stuff, which didn't seem to fit at ALL with who i knew him to be, not because I was aware of his sexuality but because he had never spoken to me in this manner before. Eventually with some prodding from me he came out to me and the asked for my help. Begrudgingly I agreed to pose as his "girl friend"-a term i detest by the way.

So from then on I occasionally went out with him and his mates or him and his family. It became a bit of a game with his family, we decided that if we were going to play this game, we'd play it well you know RELAY lay it on thick. We acted so painfully "hetronorm" Like we conformed to gender roles so much that it was so plain we were taking the piss out of the image of the traditional heterosexual couple and yet this when totally unnoticed to his family. It was our little in joke.

Recently I was having dinner with his family, i was dressed very proper in my a-line black skirt with the suspenders and a light blue shirt underneath. When a man looks at the colour light blue he cant think any impure thoughts, he can only think of the Virgin Marry-Sound advice from my grandmother. We'd had dinner and his father declared "ahh thank you Maria, I think we're done" I knew all too well that this was our cue. Maria and I began clearing the plates. I followed her into the kitchen and began helping her prepare dessert. While I cut up the fruit cake I'd brought (and bought but they didn't need to know that) she boiled the kettle and made tea. She then handed me a tray with some cups and the tea pot and asked me to take it out while she arranged the cake, apparently it needed to be arranged? Anyway I walked into the dinning room to see Peter, he's brother and father. They were all looking at me silent, I figured they were talking "men's business" I smiled at Peter, it was our secret the smile. the one that showed everyone else how Lady-like I was but was a joke to Peter and I. The smile was not returned. I put the tray down at the end of the table and asked Peter's father if he'd like a cup of tea, he sort of grunted as men tend to do. I took this as a yes and began poured the tea. I asked if he'd like milk, again not much of an answer but i was fairly sure from past experiences that he took milk so i picked up the milk jug and thought to myself "i have no idea! how Maria puts up with this asshole" Just as i was about to pour the milk, his father looked me directly in the eye, for the first time since..well ever, i think and says "are you a man?" needless to say I missed his cup when i went to pour the milk. Maria who had just walked in dashed out saying "it's all right deary" I looked at Peter, sort of hoping for some guidance I guess. I had no idea what had been said while I was out, I remember thinking what the fuck is Pete playing at? I found out latter that while Maria and I had been out Paul had said to his father "Peter is a p**fter, and she's a cross-dresser" Paul spoke before I had gathered enough thoughts to say anything. Maria ran back in with a tea-towel as Paul said "No Dad! She's a woman who dresses like a man" Maria scolded her son, "Paul! that's awful Kathleen looks very nice this evening" Peters father was clearly confused. So Peter stood up and said "I'm gay dad" It was now Marissa's turn to be confused. "what do you mean" Peter was flushed, i don't think he expected that question. It is after all a rather stupid question, "I'm gay" can mean only one of two things and Peter was quite clearly not happy at that moment, his awful little brother was though! I could tell! "What he means Maria is that he's attracted to men" "How?" she asked. What it God's name was i supposed to say to that? Everyone was quiet for a moment. It was horribly awkward. Then Marc, Peter's father sat down. "It's okay" That was it. "good" said his Maria and then proceeded to clean up the milk and offer tea around the table. Everyone had to have their turn to be confused, now it was Paul's turn. He just sort of sat their like a stunned mullet. Peter announced that he wasn't hungry anymore and he was going to take me home. His parents said good bye to me surprisingly civilly and his mother even wished my good luck with My exams.

When we got in the car Peter began to cry. I attempted to comfort him saying "I think they're ok, your Dad said it was ok" He didn't answer me for a little while, when he did he told me that he was just relieved. I mean, no so it wasn't the best way for it to happen, but they didn't yell and scream, they didn't call him names, they didn't demand he leave the house or threaten to disown him, they offered him a cup of tea and were civil to his fake girl friend, his cross-dressing fake girl friend.

The cross-dressing thing was bizarre actually, I'm not too shore where that came from. I've actually thought about cross dressing in the past, thing is I don't know if people would even notice? I mean "boys clothes" can be so not gender specific, i already wear baggy T-shirts, baggy jeans and track-pants most of the time. I suppose I should be glad people think I'm a cross-dresser, I haven't even started trying yet :P

As for Peter, well it's not long at all since this has happened. so far his family haven't spoken to him about it, his brother is being a bit of a Prick, but his parents seem to be acting like everything is "normal" I reminded him that everything IS "normal." It remains to be seen whether Peters parents will ever be totally supportive or accepting, it appears however that they are atleast mustering up tolerance.

Though his "coming-out" experiences wasn't quite what he might have wanted it to be Peter tells me that he feels relieved and to a degree liberated. He reported that when he got home from dropping me off he felt energised and excited, he'd always shyed away from queer politics, queer-clubs anything related to being queer really. He says he's excited about telling all his friends, going to queer-night clubs and getting involved in queer activism.

Peter asked for his story to be in pink : )

The whole idea of "coming out" is something that really shits me. While there are political and emotional benefits to being open about your sexuality it seems sort of unfair that you should have to announce it to people. I mean if you're heterosexual you don't have to bare your soul to the world, announcing your sexuality. It's sort of discriminatory that we even have to do it.

There are also problems with coming out. If people judge that you are "too young" to know they tell you that you're "just going through a phase" Then what? Are you meant to wait until THEY decide you're old enough and come out AGAIN. People don't say heterosexuals are just going through a phase, no one assumes that they'll grow out of "heterosexism" They're never judged to be to young to be "heterosexual"

Sexuality and gender identity is fluid! what you may identify as at one stage in your life, may not be the same at another stage. Do you have to come out repeatedly? The other problem with the idea of sexuality and gender identity as being "fluid"is that if you explain this to parents, they may become...for lack of a better word "hopefull" which can lead to a significant amount of nagging and annoyance.....erghhh

Each sexuality and Gender identity poses it's own problems. I know my father simply does not BELIEVE in "bisexual" I have a friend who's parents always suspected him of being gay because he never had any "girlfriends" They confronted him about it once and he explained that he was asexual. Their reply: "It's okay you don't have to lie to us, we love you, it's okay to be gay." He knows damn well its okay to be gay, but he's not, telling them that however proves to be impossible

ahhh the joys of coming out