How DARE you assume I'm heterosexual?!

So I apologise for the long time between posts I've been very busy lately with year 12, my school queer group which is well and truly on it's legs now despite some administrative opposition as well as beginning a new relationship (too busy being queer to post on a queer space :-p)

"How DARE you assume I'm Heterosexual" read my girl friends badge (sadly placed out of sight)

On first reading it, I laughed but then it really did make me think. It is generally assumed that you are heterosexual.

People make assumptions about other peoples sexuality all the time, even unconsciously.

Many of my friends are male and when other friends see me with them I am frequently asked if they are my boyfriend. I don't know what's more insulting; people assuming that I'm heterosexual or people assuming that I must be having a relationship with any man I am seen with.

Walking to a friends birthday with one of my male friends, holding a bunch of flowers, a gift for the birthday person I was seen by a wom*n I used to go to school with. Later that week she spoke to me online and asked me how long I'd been with my boyfriend. In sharp contrast I walked into a pathologist holding a white rose in one hand and my girlfriends hand in the other. We were asked if we were SISTERS! In both situations an assumption was made about my sexuality.

It got me thinking about the differences between going out with a man and going out with a woma*n

In my relationships with men I've never thought twice about walking down the street holding hands, or kissing or just generally being affectionate in public. I mean obviously there are times and places where that is inappropriate but generally it never relay fazed me other than that being with men i was always less likely to actually want to be affectionate.

My relationships with wom*n have in the past been secretive and hidden. I have recently begun a relationships which is more open. When My partner and I went on a date at a time when she knew she was unlikely to see or more importantly be seen by people who may be likely to report back to her parents (parents are in my experience with queer students, including myself the last to know) we were openly affectionate. holding hands, walking arm in arm down the street, kissing on the beach. This was a big thing for me. Everywhere we went people stared at us. They may not necessarily have all been homophobic, but we were a novelty among them. I worked hard to block out the stupid comments I heard when people passed us. 'Are they both girls?' It was uncomfortable I couldn't help but wonder what each person was thinking wen they looked at us. Were they themselves closeted queers, impressed by our openness. Were we a novelty to them which they couldn't help but stare at. Did they look at us and condemn us. One Senior citizen shook their head at me when I smiled. Did they look at us and automatically think of our sexual relationship. I know that on coming out to friends one of the first things I was asked were questions related to intimate experiences with women. People frequently associate queers with sex. I suppose this is no surprise given that we tend to define people by their differences in order to categorise them, in the case of queer people this means defining us by our sexuality and gender identity (though all people are categorised by the gender they are perceived to have by others).
All in all, despite the looks and the comments it was a great day! As I got on the train to go back home I had that warm silly feeling. :-)

Yesterday however was different, she knew that it was highly likely that she would be seen by somebody. I instinctively took her hand when I got off the train to see her. Though it's not her fault and I understand completely I couldn't help but be hurt as we walked out of the train station and she let go of my hand. We did have an enjoyable day, we had felafel, walked around, spent some time lying around in the sun in the park, met one of her friends and did manage to sneak some moment of affection. However the incident at the train station set the pattern for the rest of the day, we would be holding hands then she would drop my hand or when I went to hold hers she'd indicate that we couldn't do it here. We deliberately took back streets, avoiding the main roads so that we could hold hands.

I don't want this to sound like a criticism of her because it's not, it's a criticism of society. After informing the pathologist that we were in fact not sisters we looked at each other uneasily before clarifying that we were "just friends" Though I have excitedly told many of my friends about my relationship, and Jess is far from secret, when I was asked who I was bringing to my school formal by a classmate, I replied with "Jess, she's a friend" As soon as I'd said it I was kicking myself. I'm far from in the closet at school and yet my automatic reaction to a question about my relationship was to hide it.

I am beginning to better understand the concept of "PRIDE" as in queer pride. I used to think, 'sexuality is not an achievement, why should there be pride'. Yet a sense of pride must be fought for, proud to be who you are, proud to transcend societies norms, proud not to deny your identity and when you are ready proud not to feel the need to hide.